Ups and Downs in Life

So lately I think my blog has taken a turn for the more dramatic side, or maybe it's always been, but it's really just a good place for me to let out all my feelings and really think about them.

I feel like I'm kind of in the down part of life. This said, I know how fortunate I am to have a family, a home, a good job, school, my body etc, etc. Even though there are so many people I could turn to who would try to help me or comfort me, I feel alone. I don't feel like talking to all these other people. Not because I don't think they could understand, but because I don't see how it can help. This is poor thinking on my part and I will smack myself on the back of the head for it later, but right now, I don't want to. I've been struggling for a long time. I've struggled to get back into life again. I keep asking myself where the Sarah is that worked two jobs and still got all her homework done, or had little time for friends and was okay with it. Where is the Sarah that had higher standards and made less mistakes. She's not there anymore and I miss her. She didn't cry so much or care what other people thought so much. She laughed and smiled a lot more and things seemed simpler because she always had a plan and knew exactly what she wanted. She didn't have to fall to her knees in despair and cry to God in desperation. She didn't have to pretend to be okay because she was okay. I feel broken and I'm carrying a lot of baggage. I don't know how to get rid of it or really deal with it. It's hard to deal with baggage when you aren't really sure what's inside and you can't find the words to express it. I recently wrote in my journal that if life had to get hard now so China could be so great later, it'd be worth it. I'm trying to keep that attitude, but sometimes I get lost in all the feelings and forget that I'm going back. I actually forget. Can you believe that? I'm just riding the waves trying to get through the storm. I hope the sun comes out soon. I really need to see the sun.

Chinese People

When I came home from China, I found myself struggling with a lot of emotions. Sadness at having to leave and a deep feeling of longing for my friends in the Middle Kingdom to name two. To keep in contact with these friends, I often wake up early and get on QQ (Chinese MSN) to talk to them about life in China and America.

I feel comfortable telling them the way it is. How I really feel and the things I'm really dealing with. In response to my troubles, I feel so loved and understood by my friends. They offer encouragement, support, and a look into a bright future. I know I was meant to meet the people I did. I know that God's hand was a part of every second I spent in China. I am overwhelmed with gratitude to these people for their real love, support, and friendship. Even though they are half way across the world in another time zone and another culture, they have the time to be there for me. They often tell me, "Hope you happy every day." when we say goodbye and they go to bed and I start my day. It's just what I need to continue pushing through the hard times. I suggest everyone gets some Chinese friends like mine. They are the best. Joy, Carl, Tony, Richard, William, Guo Ying, Derek, Robin, and Shirley, I love you!