I said I'd smack myself in the head for my poor thinking in my last post, and this is letting you know that I kept my word.
After saying how alone I felt and how I didn't want to talk to anyone, Heavenly Father sorta "forced" some people on me. This humbled me and made the past two weeks better. Though I spend more time than I'd like sitting at home doing nothing, I still had people asking me to come around. One friend asked me if I'd like to go to lunch with her almost two weeks in advanced. She said she wanted to see me but didn't have time for awhile. It made me feel good. An old friend asked me to come hang out with him twice in one week. Another friend invited me to go with her and some friends out to dinner at an authentic Vietnamese restaurant. And again today, she texted me randomly asking if she could come say hi to me at school for a few minutes before her class.I went and visited an old teacher who is very dear to me. She listens to my stories and always tells me exactly what she thinks. She caught me off-guard with some suggestions that could very well change my life forever. It's these small things that are making a big difference for me. They may seem like nothing to you, but to me, they are everything right now. I'm being reminded that I am surrounded by people who care I'm still trying to figure out why, but it's good to know they care. Especially my friend in the "Holy Land" who texts me to see if I'm okay, to tell me funny things, or talk to me about something she is dealing with. I miss her, but I'm so glad she is still there for me even if she lives "far" away.
Sure I still have breakdowns and I still feel sad sometimes, it's like I'm looking at a light at the end of the tunnel and it's slowly approaching. It had to get very dark first before the light could come chase it away. The darkest moment was the hardest and it was then that I wanted to shut out the world and disappear for awhile. I wanted to stop trying, but I didn't.
Heavenly Father gave me a way to deal with my problems more positively. He told me how to buoy up my spirit. At first it seemed like a strange idea and not something I really thought I needed to do or something that would really help, but then I realized that I was being like Naaman in the Bible. I always wondered why the idea of washing himself seven times was so ridiculous he wouldn't even try it until I was given my own "healing potion" and I thought it sounded too simple. I put aside my pride and did as he suggested. That's when the light appeared at the end of this long tunnel. Like I said, I'm not out yet, but I'm getting there and I feel his love and the love of those around me. I've accepted that I'm not in China. I've stopped thinking that I'd be more happy in China. I need to face these problems and deal with my issues instead of running from them by using the "if I was in China..." excuse. Though it would be nice to run from my problems, they will always catch up to me in the end, and I'd much rather deal with these problems while they are small. I have a lot of things to be grateful for. Instead of finding so many reasons to be sad, I am finding the reasons to be happy. That's one good way I've learned to find joy in my journey.
