Thank you, gracias, merci, ありがとう, danke, or 감사합니다. Every language has a word for "thank you." It's interesting that we all know this word, but we don't allow our vocal chords to form the words for us quite as often as we should. Of course, I include myself in this "we." I'm sending this thank you out into the cosmic void where it will resonate forever (or until the internet dies).
When I felt alone, there were people constantly reminding me that I wasn't really alone. When I told you how I felt, you didn't tell me I was letting Satan in, you told me you understood. When I needed to cry on your shoulder, you let me. When I needed a hug, you gave me one. You sent me a text saying you were thinking of me. You cried for me. You shared a church talk or an experience because you thought it might help. You told me crying was brave. When I complained, you helped me think more positively. You let me stay at your house when I needed a change of scenery.
It's not easy to admit that I've got problems that I don't exactly have control over, but I just wanted to say thanks to the people who were there for me and still are.I appreciate you more than you could possibly know. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm a lucky girl, or as someone wiser than me once said, "There is no such thing as luck, only blessings."
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Welcome To A New Age
The title is from a song I like. I used it instead of some cliche New Years title. :)
The New Year is always a good excuse to make new goals and start fresh. I usually feel terribly normal when I start to think of New Years resolution and reflect on my year. Usually, I think of cool things that happened and how much weight I gained that year, but this time, it was a little different for me.
I looked back on 2012 with both a sense of longing and a sense of loathing. Imagine the best year you ever had. Maybe you sorta wish you could re-live it. Then think of the worst year you ever had. You definitely avoid it like the plague. 2012 was both for me. After searching my whole life (20 years), I finally discovered my passion; the one thing that empowers me, motivates me, and fills me with love all at the same time. China. It's difficult to have this passion because so few people understand. All I want to talk about is China, the people, my time there, etc. People get bored of it, or they don't see how I could love it so much. People hear scary things on the news and in the media, but I assure you, the China I experienced was magical and the people are very separate from their government (for the most part). I will admit that I am overly obsessed, but it's my passion, so find fault with me, I dare you.
When I left China, I literally felt like I was being ripped away from the place I was needed, wanted, loved, and admired at every moment. I know I'm needed wanted, etc. here at home, too, but it doesn't always feel that way. One point being the amount of free time I have now that I didn't have in China, another point being the tiny calling/contribution I make in my Young Single Adult ward compared to the important calling I had in China and the contributions I made to the Branch in Nanjing.
Think about your passion. The one pass-time or hobby you have that you could never give up for any reason. For my example, I'll use a musician. This person lives, breathes, and even sleeps music. It makes them whole. It completes them. One day, they are in a horrible accident and they lose any ability to hear. Imagine how deeply they feel that loss and how it just might throw them into the depths of despair and depression. When I boarded that plane in Shanghai that was California bound, I lost my music. I lost the part of me that was completely mine. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I just wish there was someone out there who understood who could hug me and say, "It's okay, Sarah. It's okay to be so sad. I know how you feel."
Now, you've lost your music and suddenly, the boy you've fallen in love with who has given you high hopes, shoots them down in 2 minutes. The other half of your heart that wasn't broken, is now split in two.
I found that I didn't have a smidgen of self-esteem anymore. What boy could possibly like me? Who could even think I was pretty or nice or worth getting to know? I was awkward with my peers (possibly still am) and felt like I didn't really fit in anywhere. I see all the great things in other people and wish I was like them. I wish I had more depth, more creativity, and an ability to think for myself. I felt like the currant bush in that New Era article. Crying out to the Gardener asking why he had cut me down when I had so much potential and I was growing so beautifully. It took me a lot longer than the currant bush to hear the Gardner's loving response. He knows what my full potential is and I wasn't growing toward it in the way he wanted, so he cut me down so I could start growing again to become what he knew I could be. I feel it more now as I see what qualities he wanted me to develop. I don't fully understand, but someday, I will understand better than I do now. Until then, I'm working on continuing my journey with faith and hope.
The New Year is always a good excuse to make new goals and start fresh. I usually feel terribly normal when I start to think of New Years resolution and reflect on my year. Usually, I think of cool things that happened and how much weight I gained that year, but this time, it was a little different for me.
I looked back on 2012 with both a sense of longing and a sense of loathing. Imagine the best year you ever had. Maybe you sorta wish you could re-live it. Then think of the worst year you ever had. You definitely avoid it like the plague. 2012 was both for me. After searching my whole life (20 years), I finally discovered my passion; the one thing that empowers me, motivates me, and fills me with love all at the same time. China. It's difficult to have this passion because so few people understand. All I want to talk about is China, the people, my time there, etc. People get bored of it, or they don't see how I could love it so much. People hear scary things on the news and in the media, but I assure you, the China I experienced was magical and the people are very separate from their government (for the most part). I will admit that I am overly obsessed, but it's my passion, so find fault with me, I dare you.
When I left China, I literally felt like I was being ripped away from the place I was needed, wanted, loved, and admired at every moment. I know I'm needed wanted, etc. here at home, too, but it doesn't always feel that way. One point being the amount of free time I have now that I didn't have in China, another point being the tiny calling/contribution I make in my Young Single Adult ward compared to the important calling I had in China and the contributions I made to the Branch in Nanjing.
Think about your passion. The one pass-time or hobby you have that you could never give up for any reason. For my example, I'll use a musician. This person lives, breathes, and even sleeps music. It makes them whole. It completes them. One day, they are in a horrible accident and they lose any ability to hear. Imagine how deeply they feel that loss and how it just might throw them into the depths of despair and depression. When I boarded that plane in Shanghai that was California bound, I lost my music. I lost the part of me that was completely mine. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I just wish there was someone out there who understood who could hug me and say, "It's okay, Sarah. It's okay to be so sad. I know how you feel."
Now, you've lost your music and suddenly, the boy you've fallen in love with who has given you high hopes, shoots them down in 2 minutes. The other half of your heart that wasn't broken, is now split in two.
I found that I didn't have a smidgen of self-esteem anymore. What boy could possibly like me? Who could even think I was pretty or nice or worth getting to know? I was awkward with my peers (possibly still am) and felt like I didn't really fit in anywhere. I see all the great things in other people and wish I was like them. I wish I had more depth, more creativity, and an ability to think for myself. I felt like the currant bush in that New Era article. Crying out to the Gardener asking why he had cut me down when I had so much potential and I was growing so beautifully. It took me a lot longer than the currant bush to hear the Gardner's loving response. He knows what my full potential is and I wasn't growing toward it in the way he wanted, so he cut me down so I could start growing again to become what he knew I could be. I feel it more now as I see what qualities he wanted me to develop. I don't fully understand, but someday, I will understand better than I do now. Until then, I'm working on continuing my journey with faith and hope.
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