Moving Forward

Everyone I talk to is aware of how much I love China because I could gush for hours about it. The hardest part of coming home has been to move forward. Each day I'm more and more aware of the distance that is coming between my time in China and where I am now. In 3 short days, I will have been home a whole month, but it feels like a lifetime.

My older sister and I plan to go to China again next summer to visit the land we both love so much. Because of that, I pushed hard to get back into life so I can prepare to return in less than a year. I am working as a server at a restaurant and I picked up a job as a nanny. My main concern is that with school, two jobs will be too much. However, if I don't get financial aid like I need, I will be paying full tuition so two jobs will be the only way for me to get back to China after two semesters. I hope that I can bear the weight and get my associates as planned in the spring and celebrate with a trip to China.

When I have a rough day or start to feel homesick for China, I think of what I need to do to get there again. China is my motivation. China is how I move forward without forgetting the past. I think of all my friends who are there. I think of the promise I made when I left that I would come back soon. I think of my small, beautiful Chinese family that claimed me when I began to tutor their son. I think of the beautiful children in a small village who stole a piece of my heart.  I think of the boss of our favorite restaurant who greeted us with a smile and a wave each time we rounded the corner. I think of the foreigners I met from all over the world that are still there (and I feel a little jealous).

I never appreciated technology so much until I went to China and email was my main contact with friends and family. I appreciate it even more now because it keeps me connected to the people I love 6,000 miles away by the Chinese equivalent to MSN Messenger called QQ.

No words can describe how deeply I love China. No words can describe the emptiness in my heart. I feel incomplete without China. I didn't have to go to China, but I chose to. It was the best decision I have made in my life and my eyes have been opened in so many ways. It has changed me and my future forever.

I want to tell you about my Chinese friends and family.

Richard (王彬彬)

Richard was my first Chinese friend. We met in Hong Kong because Brad, one of the guys teaching in Nanjing with us brought him on the group tour. His English is excellent. From the very start, I just loved him. We connected. He made me laugh, smile, and when I needed someone to lean on, he would let me lean on him. He would often put his arm around me and tell me I was different than the other people in our group. He could sense my deep love for China and it connected us even more. He is my "brother" and I miss him so much. We have video chatted and QQed many times since coming home and the most common phrase we both use is, "I miss you."

Tony (王刚)

Tony is another great "brother." He also has fantastic English. We met because Richard's best friend Alan came to hang out with us and he brought all his roommates, Tony being one of them. One day, I was telling Tony on QQ that I was planning to go with my friend to the Nanjing Massacre Museum. He thought that we needed a guide and in his forceful Chinese way, he convinced me that we did in fact, need a guide. We met them at the metro stop near the museum and Tony and his friend asked if we had eaten. Because we were still new to the country, we made the mistake of saying we were hungry. This led us to a restaurant where they bought us food to eat despite our protests and attempts to hand them money. After walking through the museum (which was really sad and depressing) we took the metro to the stop nearest our apartment building. After the metro, we had a 10-20 minute walk and we talked the whole way about American TV and other funny things. We joked and laughed so much. After that, any time spent with Tony was completely full of laughter. He is crazy and quirky, but really smart. He studies hard, but always made time to come play with the foreigners. We have also videoed and QQed and "I miss you" is often used.

William (扬文键)

William sat next to me on the bus one day. I could tell he wanted to talk to me so I pulled out my headphone and patiently waited until he was ready. Near the end of the bus ride, he leaned over to show me a text he had typed in English. It read, "Hey beauty. I want to be your friend but don't have a deal. Can you give me your phone number?" I don't know what he meant by "don't have a deal." but I held back a laugh and told him I have a QQ number so he added me on QQ. We talked a lot on QQ and at first, he would make comments about how he wanted me to  go on a date with him or he wanted to take me to dinner. As time went on, that died out because I always deflected it with comments about going with all the foreigners so he could meet us all. His English name was Young because his Chinese last name is Yang. One day he asked for an English last name. I suggested changing Young to his English last name and putting William as his first. He liked it a lot and always introduced himself as William Young. I call him Will, but I'm the only one he is okay with calling him that. Otherwise, he prefers to be called by William. After a month of just QQ, I felt strongly that it was time to get him over to hang out with us. So I invited him to come to KTV (karaoke) with us. He was so nervous and excited. After saying goodbye that night, he told me how much he loves our culture. We laugh and have fun together more than his Chinese friends do. He wanted to be a part of it as much as he could. After that, we hung out every weekend the remainder of my time in China. He has become a wonderful friend and someone I care so much about. His English is coming along really well and we talk a lot about when I come back to China. He wants to show me his hometown and meet his family. I miss him so much and when he has time, we QQ also.

Shirley (王菲）

Richard liked Shirley and he brought her to our big birthday bash for him and Brad. It was near the end of my time in China, but we both immediately liked each other. We talked openly to each other that day about matters of the heart and became fast, good friends. I wasn't able to see her much after meeting her, but one morning, we went hiking to the top of a small mountain in Nanjing together. It was fun and made our friendship much stronger. We often talk on QQ and encourage each other in our lives.

Guo Ying

Guo Ying is my Chinese sister. One day, my friend got a text message from someone who was in her contact list from the person who used her phone before from a previous group that came through the same program. It was Guo Ying looking for someone to tutor her 3 year-old son. I don't think it was a coincidence that my friends phone was the only phone in our group with the same SIM card as the previous user. My friend already had a tutoring job so she told me about this one. After making contact with the Foreign Affairs office at the school, we arranged to meet. I took a taxi to her apartment and she met me at the gate. Right away, I loved her. We went into the apartment and met Mickey, the little boy I would tutor. He came up to me and gave me a BIG hug. He then chatted non-stop to me in Chinese calling me 美国老师 which means American teacher. We spent an hour sitting on the floor in his playroom looking at little flash cards and a book. He ran around throwing things and showing me his toys intermittently while telling me what the picture was in English. Mickey is adorable and I hate being away and missing him growing up. The other half of the time, Guo Ying told me traditional Chinese stories and explained some history to me or taught me new Chinese words. Guo Ying and her husband then took me to the Confucius Temple shopping area. In the car on the way there, Mickey kissed me right on the lips and told me he loved me. It was so sweet, but a little alarming at the same time. At the temple, they bought me gifts and told me about the history of the area. All the time, Guo Ying told me that I must call her sister and that we were having a party to welcome me to their family. They then took me out to an expensive restaurant where we celebrated and toasted me into the family. After lunch, she made me sit and get my nails painted. They spoiled me and made me feel so special. Almost every time I went to tutor, Guo Ying and I would go out to dinner after or sit and talk for a bit. One day, I told her I needed some new clothes. We arrange to go shopping together. We went to the center of the city and walked through store after store. She bought dinner (boiled duck intestines and blood) and made us try other traditional Chinese snacks. Then she bought dessert. I was SO full since I made the mistake of eating before going. When I didn't find anything I liked while shopping, she sent me a list of links for shopping online. I told her what I liked and she ordered them for me. When they arrived at her house, she brought them to me. Finally, when I arrived at her house for the last time, she gave me an expensive comb and brush set and we cried and hugged several times. Then she owed me just 50 yuan and instead, she handed me a 100 yuan banknote. When I tried to give her some change, she wouldn't take it. She said over and over, "I will very miss you. You must come back soon. China very miss you. Mickey very love you. You must come back to your Chinese family. Your Chinese family wait you come back." It was heart wrenching.


These people play a big roll in why I love China so much. I miss it with my whole heart and I can't wait to go back. I couldn't talk too much about moving on in the blog post because it's obvious that I haven't moved on. But I am trying to fill the emptiness until I go back.