Question Marks

Life is full of them. What to do with life, where to go to school, where to work, who to be friends with, where to live, who to love. I guess you could say those are my major question marks right now. Not the last one though. :) I have lots of questions about myself. I know who I am, where I came from, and why I am here. Despite all this knowledge, I wonder if I'm good enough, if I'm doing the right things, if I'm headed in the direction my Heavenly Father wants me to be. At this point in my life, nothing is happening the way I would like it to. I'm learning lessons that I know are important to my future, but I'm trying to get the downward spiral to reverse and begin climbing to happier times. I've always been busy. For example, my senior year in high school, I was captain of the Impact Team, president of the large choir, a member of seminary coucil, in the advanced theatre class, in two choirs, and in the schools musical all at once. I loved it so much and loved my senior year. Now, I'm stuck at home with out a job, without a calling in church, and I'm not futhuring my education like I would like to. Everytime someone asks me what I'm doing, I go out of my way to tell them my story so that they won't judge me poorly. Despite that, people are still hard on me. I feel like I failed, didn't measure up to my potential, and now I'm hating myself for it. All my life I've held a really high bar for myself. Senior year, I didn't feel like I was meeting that bar which resulted a meltdown in english, a meeting with my counselor and mother and a trip to Olive Garden -now I see how stupid I was for thinking that, but I feel like now, I can justly say that I'm not meeting the bar AT ALL.

Back in October, I wrote a letter to a missionary friend, He sent his letter in November and I recieved it several months later at the perfect time (last Saturday). As I read the letter, I felt a weight lift off as my friends words were just what I needed to hear. It was WONDERFUL to have someone thousands of miles away in Brazil so supportive of me who has so much faith in my potential. I knew that letter got lost for so long for a reason. One thing he said especially blessed me. He said, "Do you think Heavenly Father and Christ will let a daughter ever be alone or without blessings especially when she is doing what is right? You may feel lonely or unnoticed now, but it is simply to prepare you for what the lord has in store for you in the future." Those words were just what I needed. I know that the best friends I have are the ones receptive to the spirit and capable of being the vesels to answer my desperate prayers. Don't worry about me. I'm ready to face this trail head on! GO ME! :)